Words.

"One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter."

- James Earl Jones

In certain things, I have never quite cared to play by the rules… alright then … maybe in most thingsJ. For example, I have never quite cared to wait for the traffic light to turn green before I walk; or to say “no” to the last piece of chocolate cake just to be polite. I have never cared to put distance between myself and those I lead or those I am senior to, nor have I cared to make an effort to go to work on a Monday morning when I am dead tired from putting in over time over the weekend. I have never cared to wait for a man to ask me to dance when the beat’s got me tapping my toes or wait for him to ask to buy me a drink for that matter. I simply make up my mind that he is the one to dance with me or he is the one to buy me a drink and then I tell him so. Black as I am, come summer thunder storms and I will dance in the rain with my new hairdo, and yes I will pick Ray La Montaigne over Neo any day for some easy listening.

I have often been the first to say “I like you”, “I care about you”, “I have feelings for you” and I know it’s not the done thing. It’s just not how ladies are supposed to behave, and I hear and understand the wisdom of it, but it just doesn’t fit. I can almost hear the questions: “how’s that working for ya?” Have you no pride? Are you insecure? Do you have low self esteem or something? Don’t you want men to chase you instead of you chasing them?

To answer the questions honestly: It hasn’t worked for me and I don’t imagine that it will, but so be it . I have ended up with egg in my face and a broken heart once, twice or thrice before. I have a great self esteem though, and I am pretty secure in myself. And what girl doesn’t want to be pursued with great passion? I guess I just don’t have that kind of pride. It just doesn’t bother me to say “no” to dancing with me, or buying me a drink. Even telling me “I am just not that into you” doesn’t bother me for long. It hurts when the one you love does not love you back, it rips my heart out; but that act alone? Telling me “I don’t feel the same”; I don’t find it to be humiliating or unbearable. I value people who say what they mean and mean what they say, and I try to be that.

What I do find unbearable however, is to be held captive by fear. To be sitting in a chair and looking across the room and thinking “he looks interesting, I think I would like to talk to him” and having no guts to do anything about it. To miss dancing to my favorite song because, someone thinks I am either not interesting enough or I am too intimidating to approach and ask for a dance. I am of the weaker sex, yes, but I am not helpless or even delicate. I like to push and shove a little and don’t mind being pushed back. I enjoy a good fight, even though I am a sensitive soul. I belong to God, and under Him, I am a grown woman and my own person.

I love being bold and getting in on the action. I hate blending into the walls and speaking in hushed tones on the outskirts of banquet halls. I do not belong to the British upper middle class and I do not desire to live like them. I am African, born of women of beauty and strength who have no use for frailty and daintiness. I am my father’s daughter, I am bold and hate feeling small and fearful (I have done that for too long) and on occasion I cause my friends to cringe. Let me wear bright colors and dance the night away on the stage, not for anybody’s attention or to get anybody’s love, but because for me, in this place I am myself.

I must confess, I find that I am becoming less inclined to be first to say phrases like: “I like you”, “I care about you”, “I have feelings for you”. The reason is not propriety, but rather, I am (at least I hope) becoming better at reading the reality between a man who truly likes me and one who has a fleeting interest or is double minded about what he wants or feels. The latter simply do not interest me anymore.

With all the bold declarations above, I do find that I am being tempered with my words. Although I value my freedom to speak and to express my heart, I think that I am finally hearing the wisdom of Proverbs 3:7. It says that there is a time and season for everything under heaven, a time to be silent and a time to speak. I am learning that sometimes speaking out , even when speaking the truth and speaking it in love or with the best of intentions, is not always the way. I am learning that good words, the right words, can kill the very thing we seek to create by them, when they are spoken in the wrong season. I am getting the sneaky suspicion that there are moments in which to love one well, and to love them better than myself, might mean I refrain from saying:”I love you”

Dorothy Neville puts it like this: "The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment